I know I said I would do another OOTD post, which I will do later, but I was in the mood to talk about this today. Sometimes I'm not. I don't want to get all down in the dumps. But today I'm already in my feelings and anxious about other things, which always makes me miss Colby even more than usual.
I had worked with our local Christian Memorials for Colby's headstone, and this bench, and also a bench in memory of our fur baby Maggie. Today the owner (and now a wonderful friend who shares a very similar life story as me) sent me pictures of this beautiful memorial bench for Colb.
This bench is placed on the new walking trail in town. The day after he passed away, I asked Amelia to call the city admin and see if we could donate a bench in Colby's honor (instead of the 1000's of plants and flowers people buy you, because [no offense to those that have done that because I did too] when you've just lost your husband, you don't want to worry about taking care of more plants in your house). This walking trail had significance to me - Colby did dirtwork and landscaping, so when talk of the new walking trail started, he and a friend started working towards getting ready to bid on the job. Unfortunately we didn't make it that far. So what a perfect place to put this bench - the only place I had been hearing him talk about for weeks.
And now it's ready. I didn't know it was being placed Friday but when I received the pictures I just started crying. It's been 16 months and 14 days since he passed away. But this bench makes it real all over again.
We recently had Colby's second birthday without him, and for many years we've gone to Eminence for a float trip celebrating his and two friend's August birthdays. Last year we started a Memorial float for his birthday, and I had koozie's made with a "Colby quote" in his favorite color, and we sent off (biodegradable) lanterns to heaven for him. This year's Colby quote was "Don't be a captain no fun" - I was always his captain no fun. I'm a play it safe kind of person. I always tried to stop Colby from doing something that he no doubt would do anyway.
Since he's been gone, I've let up some on being the captain no fun. Because life is short. Take your chances, have fun, live your life. I wouldn't say I'm laid back, but I try to be more like Colby - the person who always had fun, who could always get everyone to keep going, and be the life of the party. The person who had no regrets and loved every minute of it.
I am SO very thankful for our friends. Most of these friends which I would have never known without Colby. These friends have been a part of my support system. The Colby stories that we have are priceless.
Colb, we love and miss you. And I hope this bench on a walking trail you wanted so badly, is a happy memory for all who see it.
I will have more posts about being a widow for those of you that share an unfortunate life-altering moment like mine. But for now, just remember that it's okay to live a life that no one else understands. No one has walked in your shoes - every situation is different. Don't let the fear of being judged ruin your day, week, year, or life. You do you. Period. Your life is too important, your happiness too important to worry about others. I went a long time (and still do sometimes) thinking about what people would think of me if I posted that picture of me smiling on social media. And I questioned 'should I take that trip?' because my husband just died. YES. Take your trips. Take your pictures. Spend time with family and friends being happy. Colby would want nothing else for me. We had a plan in our lives - get through school, keep at the career, travel, have a family, take lots of little fun trips with our friends - and I plan on doing all of those things. I will go the places we talked about going. I will continue our plan for my career. I will have that family, and I will honor him. My life has been altered. But God did not take me. I will continue. It doesn't matter what other people think of me. It matters how I think of me. How my happiness gets me up everyday. Just because there is pain, sorrow, mourning, loss, and emptiness, does not mean my life is over. Neither is yours. Honor them, memorialize them, tell stories, write quotes, moments, events, little quirks down in a journal about your loved one. That keeps them alive. And in turn, keeps you alive too.
xoxo,
Christine
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